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(no subject)

Oct. 31st, 2007 | 01:40 pm

FUCK OFF. Stop fucking lecturing me. I don't give a shit.

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If this must be, then burn with me. Anything, just don't leave.

Oct. 30th, 2007 | 08:20 pm
location: Hull
music: Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life


Honestly, I feel less awkward around her now. I'm thinking that's perhaps a good thing... But at the same time I feel like she's still affecting far too much in my life. I can't really go home because she's still there...and she's starting to affect more than just me going home. I'm more that happy to stay at my grandparents' when I'm back in Hull; if anything, I prefer it. But it's the fact that her presence in my life is starting to affect my relationship that it begins to bother me. I don't want to just kick someone out with nowhere and no one else to go to...but at the same time I don't want her to keep affecting things. It's killing me that I feel like I can't do anything to...I don't know. I really don't know. I hate all of this. I hate it all. I hate that I'm making people hurt. I hate myself. I really do. I hate the way I am and the fact that I really don't know what I can do about it.

At the heart of things, I feel like I'm useless. I try to help, I really do. I don't think everyone needs help, but when someone has a problem that is obviousl-....

AND I WISH THEY WOULD STOP TRYING TO FUCKING TALK TO ME WHEN I OBVIOUSLY DO NOT CARE AND CAN'T FUCKING HEAR THEM.

...-obviously affecting them. I just want people to be happy. I don't know why, that's just the way I am. Sometimes I feel like people hate me for it, but there's nothing I can do about it. I know it's fucking up my own life, I just don't know what to do.

I feel like my family expect me to become so much more than I want from life. I feel like they expect me to achieve all of this and that they're going to hate me if I don't. They don't say it, but I feel it. I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want...I don't want anything. I don't want to be where I am now. I don't want to have to do all of this. I want to just live life, do things that I like doing. I-...

I hate this.

I really do.

I don't know what to do. I wish I did. I wish I knew how to fix everything, but I don't. I hate that I'm so fucking stupid that I can't live my own life. I hate that I can't see a clear path any more. I hate that I flatout refuse to let anyone help me, and I hate that I don't know where I'm going...

I want to wrestle. I want to do martial arts. I want to travel. I want to write a book. I want to write a comic book. That's everything I want from life. Am I overcomplicating things by going to University? Can I achieve all of that WITHOUT Uni? I don't want to quit again. I love learning languages. But maybe I'm best doing it on my own terms. I don't give a shit about completing tasks and learning History and picking other modules from some other course I really can't be arsed with. I'd rather the language come to me on it's own. I'd rather discover the history, the interesting parts that I like to know. I want to live my life by my rules. I believe in that so strongly, but when I'm being told how to do everything...I feel too pressured. I hate being pressured to do anything.

I hate the fact that I have to...I don't know, "tap in" to everything inside me when I draw. And I hate that it sometimes gets out of control and makes me feel this way. It's like sometimes I get too much emotion all at once and I start getting all arsey, I push everyone away and I piss a lot of people off. I don't mean to, but I suddenly start feeling invaded. Everyone and everything pisses me off. I feel like they're all trying to make me worse and they're just... I dunno.

I want to be able to cope with things on my own. I'm aware that I need to talk to people. But recently everything in my head just feels so fragmented. I don't know what path to take any more, or how to get onto that path. I don't know who I am or how to...to...

I feel like everything is slipping away from me. Everything I want is slipping away. I can't talk to anyone any more. I don't know what to tell them or how to explain myself. I don't know how to tell people why I am the way I am, and in most cases I don't know myself.

I wish this was easier. I wish I wasn't so much of a fucking loser that I didn't have to...

I don't know.

I just wish I knew what to do. I just wish I could see again...

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(no subject)

Oct. 29th, 2007 | 09:40 pm

Haha. u_u

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Disappear.

Oct. 15th, 2007 | 10:02 am

I think that it sometimes takes a lot simply to just stand strong. To stand there while the whole world watches your every move can be a very daunting task. I never really used to feel any pressure with anything I did... Nothing at all. I was so laid back and everything just seemed to fall into place for me.

But something changed. Something changed and now I can't go back. I want to. I really want to go back with all my heart but...I can't-. I can't stop any of this no matter how hard I try.

I think, at the heart of things, I'm a pretty self-destructive person. I seem to somehow push people away or adversely affect anyone around me, and I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to hurt anybody. That's the last thing I want. I just don't understand how to change.

I wish I knew what to do. I don't think that any of this is really all that bad, I suppose. People deal with much, much worse on a daily basis. In comparison, I'm not really going through anything major...but yet, I still sometimes wish that I could just...

Disappear.

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With This Knife

Oct. 14th, 2007 | 04:44 pm

The hate.
And the fear.
The nightmares that wake...
Me up in tears.
The nightmares and the
Hate.
And the fear.
The nightmares that wake...
Me up in tears.

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Well...Here I Am...

Oct. 8th, 2007 | 07:16 pm

"So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind, and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind."

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(no subject)

Oct. 8th, 2007 | 04:26 am

When I think of her, I feel as if someone has torn out my insides...


...yet I still don't know what to do. I know what I SHOULD do...I just don't know what I CAN do.

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(no subject)

Oct. 8th, 2007 | 12:03 am
music: 30 Seconds To Mars - From Yesterday

It's like knowing a wall inch by inch; every single flaw, bump, crevice of that wall logged in your mind. You know it perfectly. But then, when you go to take a closer look, you see a small mark. You go to remove the mark and discover what's underneath; the single last part of the wall that you never truly saw. But as you go to wipe away the mark the wall cumbles into pieces and all that you ever knew lies in a mess at your feet; in it's place lies a cavern. Full of a darkness that you could never fully explore...a darkness that you never want to explore because the moment it grips you, you know it will never let you go.

I never saw this coming. Last time I suspected for a while, I saw things wrong and it was easy to cut the ties. But this time I turned and it hit me like a...well, like a big yellow school bus. This time I didn't see it coming, I failed in everything I've ever taught myself. Always be aware... But this one came so fast and so hard that I had no time to prepare; and I'm going to suffer for it. Right now, part of me feels so beaten down; so down and out that it doesn't feel as if it will ever be the same again. Part of me wants to just give up right now, lay in the gutter and die.

But yet there's still that shining light. There's still that power that forces me to help others...and I know that this time it's going to help me. What was once a help to others is now going to help me, I know it is. I know that it will help me back to my feet... I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna come right back at you just a little smarter, licking my wounds, not wanting to get my ass beat like I did the last time.

The part of me the drives me now is a part of me that you will never get your hands on. A part that you will never touch. I used to think that I was somehow making a difference; that I was making your life brighter, but I now realise that mine was only getting darker.

Because sometimes...



...because sometimes, you just have to keep on fighting. This world ain't waiting for anyone; this train don't stop for no one, so if you get knocked off then you get yourself right back on it, or you might just miss it.


My Life. My Rules.

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(no subject)

Oct. 7th, 2007 | 11:14 pm

not again... please, don't let this have happened again... Oh God...

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Hero Complex (Wikipedia)

Oct. 4th, 2007 | 03:48 pm
location: M1 3QJ
music: Our Lady Peace - Not Enough

The Hero Complex is a compulsion to help others and make the world right. Although not officially considered a disorder or disease, there is an increasing number of people who 'suffer' from it. Many fictitious heroes and main characters seem to have this as well, but note that there is a difference between helping others out of choice and feeling compelled to. It may also be associated with Zoological Altruism- Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of close relatives, thus making it more likely to be passed on.



Traits


Those who have a "Hero Complex" tend to feel that the current life they live is insufficient. For most, the need will ebb and flow. There will be days where they will ask questions like why they have had the role thrust upon them, if what they're doing is really going to make a difference, and sometimes even why they care in the first place.

Many believe that they could do more if they had the means to, whether it is in terms of money, power, or something else held in prestige. Most wait quietly believing that someday they will find these means, although some go out to "find" them on their own. They also often ask the question 'is this really enough?' or 'am I doing the right thing?' Usually such questions have a demoralizing effect, but many who have the Hero Complex will be motivated to find these answers. They are very loyal and dependable, and when given a challenge will almost always find a way to complete it...if they see it as a useful challenge. These traits make them great leaders and friends, for their extensive thought process makes them great at giving advice and opinions in addition to lending their abilities and talents when they can. However, the universal respect societies have for such people leads many to ignore the negative implications. Their high standards might not only carry the risk of overextending themselves and causing depression and withdrawal, they might lead the individual to become destructive (see "Villain Complex".)

In fulfilling these desires, they will take on a more benevolent behavior, and 'unlock' the true meanings of themselves. This is the true need of those who have a Hero Complex. Excellent examples of this are David Dunn of Unbreakable, Harry Potter, Goku from Dragon Ball Z, and Batman.


Causes

While not everyone who has been disappointed at some point in their lives will develop a hero complex, almost everyone with one has been in some way or another. One cause may be trying to atone for a sense of worthlessness. This sense may be caused by underlying stress from the inability to complete certain everyday tasks. Alternatively, because of the lack of modern-day heroes, the sufferer may be trying to compensate for a loss of 'icons' in modern societies, and they look inward instead of outward for their own gratification. They may feel guilt for not helping others in the past, or they may have felt pain at a previous point in their lives and are motivated by fear of seeing that pain inflicted on others.


Coping

Although there is no "treatment", many look for ways to find release from their troubled worlds instead of having to confront it. Often, a release can be found in video games, because of their allowance for one to enact heroic roles, or in personifications of heroes (i.e. Movies and comics or role-playing). The effects are not permanent, but can lead to an addiction to false realities. Perhaps the best thing for "victims" to do is accept there are some things we cannot change and others just need time. At other times, the best thing to do is to try to make a change, as long as the goal is within reach. Remember, there is a difference between wanting to help others and feeling compelled to.





Compulsion to help others, wrestling - playing a different person, video games, comics, detrimental to the individual... Explains a lot. Maybe I really do have it...

Hmm.


"There's nothing left to prove, there's nothing I won't do, nothing like the pain I feel for you..."

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