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You want peace of mind? Here's a piece of mine...

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Nov. 15th, 2007 | 03:56 pm
location: Manchester
music: Hurt - Falls Apart

This isn't directed at anybody, nor is it for anybody's benefit but mine. I feel I've spent far too long holding back, leaving things out and I shouldn't... I need to get everything out; I can't keep it inside any longer. You don't want to read, then don't. If you do, then I warned you and I'm sorry. I... I need to find me again, and I can't do that until I clear away everything else.



My mind is racing, cycling through everything. But one thing doesn't tell the whole story, so I look back to the previous one, but that just leads to another and another and another...it's like some giant web that I can't get out of. I wanted to come here so... I just...

I want to live life. I really want to be just living life; experiencing things. I go home and my sister gets back from work and she's so happy, telling my family about her day, all the stuff that has happened... Everyone seems so proud of her for seeing what she wants and going for it. And she got it. She's got a good job; a job that she loves. I wish I could do that. But no matter what I do they just seem to put me down. I'm never doing enough work, anything I'm doing is pointless... I feel like such a burden on them. I just want them to be proud of me... I never thought I'd need that from them. I never thought it would matter to me, but it does. I feel like I'm wasting time here, I want to go and look for what I want. I'm tired of watching from afar. I don't like it any more. Japanese was a skill I wanted to learn. It's not a career choice I want to follow. I don't know what I want right now, but I'm not going to find it here. I need to go and look... I just want them to be proud of me...

I want to go and get a job. If I don't like it then I'll go and look for something else. I want to find something that's going to make me happy. Something that's going to make me feel as if I'm DOING something. If I want to, I'll learn Japanese, Philosophy...I learn anything I want in my free time, but I can't make that my only objective in life. I want to find something that makes me feel...makes me feel like I'm living life again. While I'm here... I don't know. I enjoy the course. I like that I'm learning the language, but I don't feel like I belong here. I don't feel like this is me right now...

I don't really know what I am any more.

I want to, and I'm going to, leave. I want to go an get a job and find what I want in life. Find something that makes me feel whole. I need it. I need it before I completely fall to pieces. It's taking so much to hold it all together... But what happens when I'm off the course? Do I leave my accommodation straight away? Do I have time? I already paid 'til January, I think. What happens? How much time do I have? Do I have to keep paying after I leave? I don't understand... I need to talk to the Uni. I will tomorrow...I'll find out then...I hope. I think if I get this sorted it will be a huge weight off my shoulders.

I feel so pathetic that I want their... I just hate that I want them to be proud of me. I've never needed it before, but these past few weeks, every "Why do you never have your plans set out?" and every "Stop doing that, it's stupid" they've cut really deeply... I don't know why. It never used to be like this. Before, it wouldn't bother me; I'd go as far as to say that they never did this before, and maybe that's true too. Perhaps, seeing how my sister has sorted her life out...perhaps now I'm the one in her shadow...

So I guess it's time that I moved the sun.

I was once told that if I didn't want to be in somebody's shadow, that I need not strive to step out of it, I meerly change the position of the sun. I think that is something I'm always going to live by... If I want to make myself seen, make myself noticed; then I need to change the rules. I need to do something new. Something people have to see. I think that's not only something to do with the whole Uni business, but my entire life. I need to apply it to everything...



I miss wrestling. The brief times I do it, I do really enjoy. I enjoy Jitsu, and most martial arts...but nothing really makes me feel happy like I do when I'm in the ring. I need to find what I lost and carry on pursuing it. I don't think I'm great. I don't even think I'm good. I think the best I will go to is to admit that I'm okay sometimes. That's as much as anyone will ever get out of me. I...I want to be something special. I want to be something different. Something people haven't seen before. I think I can do it, I just need to find it first... Hopefully once I'm back in Hull, I'll be able concentrate more on this.



Vicky...I'm torn betw-...I-...I really don't know what to say here. I wish it hadn't ended, and I regretted it ending the way it did. I wanted it to be something more but...maybe we just didn't...maybe we were just too different. Maybe we were just two different people on two different paths that happened to cross at a certain point. I don't know. I wish it... I don't want to hurt you any more yet that's all I seem to be doing. I don't want to. I don't want to hurt anybody but... I wanted to get everything out here, but I'm not sure I'll ever know how I feel. But right now I can't decide anything for definite. I don't know what I want. But I don't want to put you through this. I don't want to hurt you, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be with you. Just because I want to be with you, doesn't mean I think I should be with you, that it will work or that I'm going to do anything about it... I want to be with you, but I don't want you to have to be with me. It's not fair. Truth is, I WILL put you through this again. I will feel like this again eventually, I will take on more than I can handle and I will collapse again, and I'll drag you down with me again. I can't keep putting you through that. I don't even know if this makes any sense to you but... I don't think we really understand each other enough to really trust the other person. We don't understand why we are the way we are... I'm not saying anything in this. There's no big revelation here. This is just a small part of the thoughts going through my head, I'm trying to decipher them but I can't. I don't know what any of it means. I don't know what I want. I don't really know who *I* am. I think it's natural to always have that doubting voice inside your head, and you'll always have your voice telling the doubting one to shut up. But I don't know which voice is mine any more. Am I the one doubting everything or am I the voice telling the other one to shut up? And there are so many other sides with so many different opinions...I don't know which one is me. I'm lost in a sea of thoughts and I want so desperately to get out, but I don't know which way to swim.



The next one...really isn't a problem to me as such. I don't know. It...causes problems, I suppose, but it's not something I feel I'm willing to change... Basically, I have my ex living with my family and the only way that bothers me is when it comes to relationships. When I was with her she got kicked out of her house. She was...well, not treated very well at home, and she had no one else. I let her move in and stay there when I moved out. I let her stay there now that we've broken up and as much as anyone my hate it, there is no way I can make her leave. Right now, my family are the only family she has...and they're the only real family she's ever had. She feels...part of something, I guess, and I don't think she's ever felt accepted like that before. She seems comfortable there and everyone else seems happy to have her there. It's not about her being my ex, it's not about having any kind of history...it's about someone I know needing help. Someone vulnerable, someone that has nothing else in the world to cling on to... There's so much that I know that I can't talk about here, but my best judgement tells me that she's better here than out there. I feel like I've pulled her up out of so much darkness, there is no way I would ever throw someone back into that. I... I don't know. Seeing her with my family, she looks happy. She seems to really enjoy life and that something I don't think I saw in her before. She looks like she feels welcome and accepted, and I refuse to tear that away from her. I could never make someone unhappy; I could never tear everything away from someone so that they had nothing left. I'm not sure if everyone would do the same, but I hope that anyone that really truly understood me would understand why I have to do this. I feel like I'm making a difference in somebody's life. This isn't out of any gain for me, I gain nothing from this. But by doing this I feel that I'm making a person's life worthwhile. I'm actually helping somebody...and I could never tear that away from them.

I think this is something that I talk about a lot because it's something that I'm not sure people really understand. I think if any of my friends came to me and they had absolutely nowhere to go and were in a similar position to Anya...I'd do it for them too. I could never allow somebody to fall into a situation where so much bad stuff could happen. I could never leave someone out there on their own when they're so vulnerable. I have to help them. It's going to take a lot from that person to make me change my mind; but someone so undeserving of a life like that...I could never throw them into it. I don't think the world is fair. Karma may exist but I don't think the balance has to be at neutral, or even on an individual level. I think sometimes people have a bad life where they just keep hitting the wrong situations and find themselves in a bad place. I can't let... I could never tear somebody's life apart like that.



I'm not really sure what else to say. I'm tired of talking about all of this and I guess I do feel a little better...there will probably be a part two coming soon... We'll see, I guess...




"How can I even cast a shadow if you change the position of the sun?" - Renegade

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