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and she whispered, "how can you do this to me?"

Jun. 20th, 2008 | 11:37 pm

I'm sorry.

I wish things could be different. I wish we could be as close as we used to be. But... I don't think you want that any more. I don't know if you'll ever read this and I'm not sure it will ever make any difference. But you were an amazing friend. I don't know what went wrong... I'm sorry if it was me.

I can only reach out for so long before I think that there's no one left to reach for. You were my best friend and you were always there for me. Thank you for that.

I hope one day you come back and we can be friends again. But I can't keep reaching out into the dark any more.

If not... thank you for the memories.

As much as you may not believe it, I do miss you.

...Bye bye.

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Endings and beginnings.

May. 12th, 2008 | 01:44 am
music: Ash and Rob - Transhumanism :D

The walk was long and hard. Scott didn't mind that. However, it would also seem that the journey was turning up to be quite fruitless. However, everything was about to change.

The sun was now setting and the shadows were slowly reaching out, engulfing Scott. He turned, not quite quick enough to see the building collapse. As heavy bricks fell onto him, Scott could do nothing but brace for the impact.

As he let the world around him collapse in on him again, all he could do was pray, wait and muse over things so far.

He probably hadn't thought this through as much as he should. The further he walked, the more he realised that nothing may very well come of this little journey.

He had been so prepared. So untouchable. But no matter how prepared you are, it would seem that there were always those unexpected twists that you couldn't possibly predict. Nothing in life is a sure bet. You just have to learn to enjoy your winning streaks and roll with the punches when they come.

Life... Life is complicated. Scott found that out a long time ago. And just when everything seemed to be okay, that's when it bites you in the ass. It's all well and good to build up your walls and protect yourself. But what people don't account for is that...it doesn't just take you letting your walls down to hurt you; with the slightest of pushes, anybody could quite easily topple your own walls down upon you.

Life... Life is a bitch.

Scott knew she'd be here soon. He knew she'd rescue him again. She was his centre. She would make him whole. But until then, Scott had nothing much more to do than muse of his past...

Now, where had this all began?

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You Stupid Old Man...

May. 9th, 2008 | 09:34 pm
music: Nickelback - Savin' Me

He opened his eyes, suddenly aware of the sweeping breeze. He had no idea how long he had been lying there, battered and broken...For all he knew it could have been hours, days, weeks...or more. Sitting up, he looked around, taking in his surroundings. Decay, death and destruction. Those three words summed it up the most. However, looking ahead, the sun was beginning to rise and it filled him with a sense of hope. The path ahead was clear and unbroken; yet shadows filled his mind. Surely it couldn't be this easy? Surely it was not a simple matter of getting up and walking on? After all he had been through; all the pain...this was it? All he had to do was walk? He smiled to himself, musing over the irony of the situation.

Still seated on the floor, he looked behind him. It was all so...ugly. It was nothing but a mess now. The walls had crumbled and burned long ago. His old life had ended and now stood like those ruins as a monument of the past; a reminder never to fall back into those traps. He knew that as soon as the sun rested back on the horizon, the shadows of his past would creep towards him again, urging him to come back.

But everything was different now.

Scott stood, turning fully to face the ruins of his past life. What had happened was magical; he couldn't deny that. He had fallen so deep into that chasm that he had given up hope of ever finding his way home. And so he had plunged further, determined that if he was going to fall, he was going to make a big bang when he landed. But just as he neared the bottom, she had swept him away. She had come from nowhere and turned everything around. She had saved him.

He turned again to face the sun. The path was so clear and distinct. Scott looked uneasy. He could easily walk that path right now; walk away from his past and into the light, into his new life. The life he had been waiting for. However, he knew that there were some things that he would like to take with him from his past. People, memories... Not everything that stood behind him was dark and broken. There were still people among the rubble that he would rather not leave behind.

Scott turned again, looking into the darkness. He knew it was a path he shouldn't tread. He knew he might get lost...but whatever the problem, he knew she would save him again and she would deliver him back here. He had to try. He had to. He had always been taught never to give up so easily. The journey could very well be fruitless, he could quite easily return empty handed. But he would return. He just had to try. This was to be his last great endevour, and then he would simply ride on into the sunset.

He knew that it was dark in there. He knew that it was easy to lose yourself. But he was a different man now. The darkness would not be able to touch him so long as he stayed focused. He just hoped that those he was searching for had seen the same light he had and were headed his way. His path might not necessarily be the same as theirs, but they were still people he valued in his life, and he had to let them know that. He had to at least show them where he was going so that they might meet him along the way.

It was now or never.

Scott took a step forward and amost immediately the shadows washed over him. But he was unaffected. He smiled, more confident now, and took another step. Scott heard something up ahead. Something moving, perhaps? No, definitely a cry of some kind. Some strange, warped hissing. Scott slowly approached to see a lowly dying snake. It had been wounded; nothing major, but without treatment it would surely die.

The snake slowly moved towards Scott in a plea for help. Scott bent and picked up the snake in his hands. It's pleading face turned to him; the snake was weak and had been writhing there for God only knows how long. Scott knew where to find food and water; he could heal this snake. He could save it. He could change it's life...

Looking thoughtful for a moment, Scott looked at the snake with curious eyes. In one swift motion, he broke the snake's neck. The snake felt nothing and died immediately. Dropping the snake's lifeless body to the ground, Scott stepped back onto the path, once more facing the darkness. Scott had learned well. He was here not to save others but to rebuild the bridges that had been burned. He was looking into his own past and was not about to embark on some journey down some mysterious new path down which he had never been before. He would find them and he would return. Then he would walk forward. All he could do was to show them where he was going. He couldn't make them come with him; but if they choose to do so then they should at least know where to find him.

Scott felt the bitter breeze once more and drew his cloak tightly around him. The brilliant red was a stark contrast against the darkness. He'd chosen this particular item for a reason. Hopefully she would know what it meant. That it was an olive branch and a symbol. A statement that though a lot had changed, some things had stayed the same. He hoped it would show that he understood what was happening, and that he wanted her friendship once more, regardless. She had given him a choice once before but then made another choice for him. He understood and respected that but wasn't going to let her walk away so easily. Good friends are hard to come by, and life is an awful road to travel alone.

As he started to walk deeper and deeper into the darkness, he noticed an odd shadow on the wall. It appeared to be a man with something on his back, perhaps a child. "Someone ought to warn him," Scott mused and laughed to himself.

Everything was going to be okay.

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All Good Things...

Feb. 27th, 2008 | 11:59 pm

I was going to say lots here...but I don't think I need to any more.

Well... here I am.

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(no subject)

Feb. 17th, 2008 | 03:17 am

I'm going to move mountains.

I am and will be more than this.

I will realise everything I want in life.

And I'm going to do it no matter what's in my way.

I am Scott Adams.

I am going to change the fucking world.


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(no subject)

Dec. 2nd, 2007 | 11:15 pm

You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...

You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around
And say...

That it's too late to apologise
It's too late...

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(no subject)

Nov. 26th, 2007 | 06:17 pm

Slip out the back before they know you were there
At the worst you'll see nobody cares
You don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

And I'm no hero,
You remember how I was,
You know
All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything
Was going end over end
I'm spinning around in circles again

This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be
But I had to protect you from me

Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I just bring you down
And I could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left wasn't fair
I didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero

But don't think I didn't care

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You want peace of mind? Here's a piece of mine...

Nov. 15th, 2007 | 03:56 pm
location: Manchester
music: Hurt - Falls Apart

This isn't directed at anybody, nor is it for anybody's benefit but mine. I feel I've spent far too long holding back, leaving things out and I shouldn't... I need to get everything out; I can't keep it inside any longer. You don't want to read, then don't. If you do, then I warned you and I'm sorry. I... I need to find me again, and I can't do that until I clear away everything else.

My mind is racing, cycling through everything. But one thing doesn't tell the whole story, so I look back to the previous one, but that just leads to another and another and another...it's like some giant web that I can't get out of. I wanted to come here so... I just...

I want to live life. I really want to be just living life; experiencing things. I go home and my sister gets back from work and she's so happy, telling my family about her day, all the stuff that has happened... Everyone seems so proud of her for seeing what she wants and going for it. And she got it. She's got a good job; a job that she loves. I wish I could do that. But no matter what I do they just seem to put me down. I'm never doing enough work, anything I'm doing is pointless... I feel like such a burden on them. I just want them to be proud of me... I never thought I'd need that from them. I never thought it would matter to me, but it does. I feel like I'm wasting time here, I want to go and look for what I want. I'm tired of watching from afar. I don't like it any more. Japanese was a skill I wanted to learn. It's not a career choice I want to follow. I don't know what I want right now, but I'm not going to find it here. I need to go and look... I just want them to be proud of me...

I want to go and get a job. If I don't like it then I'll go and look for something else. I want to find something that's going to make me happy. Something that's going to make me feel as if I'm DOING something. If I want to, I'll learn Japanese, Philosophy...I learn anything I want in my free time, but I can't make that my only objective in life. I want to find something that makes me feel...makes me feel like I'm living life again. While I'm here... I don't know. I enjoy the course. I like that I'm learning the language, but I don't feel like I belong here. I don't feel like this is me right now...

I don't really know what I am any more.

I want to, and I'm going to, leave. I want to go an get a job and find what I want in life. Find something that makes me feel whole. I need it. I need it before I completely fall to pieces. It's taking so much to hold it all together... But what happens when I'm off the course? Do I leave my accommodation straight away? Do I have time? I already paid 'til January, I think. What happens? How much time do I have? Do I have to keep paying after I leave? I don't understand... I need to talk to the Uni. I will tomorrow...I'll find out then...I hope. I think if I get this sorted it will be a huge weight off my shoulders.

I feel so pathetic that I want their... I just hate that I want them to be proud of me. I've never needed it before, but these past few weeks, every "Why do you never have your plans set out?" and every "Stop doing that, it's stupid" they've cut really deeply... I don't know why. It never used to be like this. Before, it wouldn't bother me; I'd go as far as to say that they never did this before, and maybe that's true too. Perhaps, seeing how my sister has sorted her life out...perhaps now I'm the one in her shadow...

So I guess it's time that I moved the sun.

I was once told that if I didn't want to be in somebody's shadow, that I need not strive to step out of it, I meerly change the position of the sun. I think that is something I'm always going to live by... If I want to make myself seen, make myself noticed; then I need to change the rules. I need to do something new. Something people have to see. I think that's not only something to do with the whole Uni business, but my entire life. I need to apply it to everything...

I miss wrestling. The brief times I do it, I do really enjoy. I enjoy Jitsu, and most martial arts...but nothing really makes me feel happy like I do when I'm in the ring. I need to find what I lost and carry on pursuing it. I don't think I'm great. I don't even think I'm good. I think the best I will go to is to admit that I'm okay sometimes. That's as much as anyone will ever get out of me. I...I want to be something special. I want to be something different. Something people haven't seen before. I think I can do it, I just need to find it first... Hopefully once I'm back in Hull, I'll be able concentrate more on this.

Vicky...I'm torn betw-...I-...I really don't know what to say here. I wish it hadn't ended, and I regretted it ending the way it did. I wanted it to be something more but...maybe we just didn't...maybe we were just too different. Maybe we were just two different people on two different paths that happened to cross at a certain point. I don't know. I wish it... I don't want to hurt you any more yet that's all I seem to be doing. I don't want to. I don't want to hurt anybody but... I wanted to get everything out here, but I'm not sure I'll ever know how I feel. But right now I can't decide anything for definite. I don't know what I want. But I don't want to put you through this. I don't want to hurt you, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be with you. Just because I want to be with you, doesn't mean I think I should be with you, that it will work or that I'm going to do anything about it... I want to be with you, but I don't want you to have to be with me. It's not fair. Truth is, I WILL put you through this again. I will feel like this again eventually, I will take on more than I can handle and I will collapse again, and I'll drag you down with me again. I can't keep putting you through that. I don't even know if this makes any sense to you but... I don't think we really understand each other enough to really trust the other person. We don't understand why we are the way we are... I'm not saying anything in this. There's no big revelation here. This is just a small part of the thoughts going through my head, I'm trying to decipher them but I can't. I don't know what any of it means. I don't know what I want. I don't really know who *I* am. I think it's natural to always have that doubting voice inside your head, and you'll always have your voice telling the doubting one to shut up. But I don't know which voice is mine any more. Am I the one doubting everything or am I the voice telling the other one to shut up? And there are so many other sides with so many different opinions...I don't know which one is me. I'm lost in a sea of thoughts and I want so desperately to get out, but I don't know which way to swim.

The next one...really isn't a problem to me as such. I don't know. It...causes problems, I suppose, but it's not something I feel I'm willing to change... Basically, I have my ex living with my family and the only way that bothers me is when it comes to relationships. When I was with her she got kicked out of her house. She was...well, not treated very well at home, and she had no one else. I let her move in and stay there when I moved out. I let her stay there now that we've broken up and as much as anyone my hate it, there is no way I can make her leave. Right now, my family are the only family she has...and they're the only real family she's ever had. She feels...part of something, I guess, and I don't think she's ever felt accepted like that before. She seems comfortable there and everyone else seems happy to have her there. It's not about her being my ex, it's not about having any kind of history...it's about someone I know needing help. Someone vulnerable, someone that has nothing else in the world to cling on to... There's so much that I know that I can't talk about here, but my best judgement tells me that she's better here than out there. I feel like I've pulled her up out of so much darkness, there is no way I would ever throw someone back into that. I... I don't know. Seeing her with my family, she looks happy. She seems to really enjoy life and that something I don't think I saw in her before. She looks like she feels welcome and accepted, and I refuse to tear that away from her. I could never make someone unhappy; I could never tear everything away from someone so that they had nothing left. I'm not sure if everyone would do the same, but I hope that anyone that really truly understood me would understand why I have to do this. I feel like I'm making a difference in somebody's life. This isn't out of any gain for me, I gain nothing from this. But by doing this I feel that I'm making a person's life worthwhile. I'm actually helping somebody...and I could never tear that away from them.

I think this is something that I talk about a lot because it's something that I'm not sure people really understand. I think if any of my friends came to me and they had absolutely nowhere to go and were in a similar position to Anya...I'd do it for them too. I could never allow somebody to fall into a situation where so much bad stuff could happen. I could never leave someone out there on their own when they're so vulnerable. I have to help them. It's going to take a lot from that person to make me change my mind; but someone so undeserving of a life like that...I could never throw them into it. I don't think the world is fair. Karma may exist but I don't think the balance has to be at neutral, or even on an individual level. I think sometimes people have a bad life where they just keep hitting the wrong situations and find themselves in a bad place. I can't let... I could never tear somebody's life apart like that.

I'm not really sure what else to say. I'm tired of talking about all of this and I guess I do feel a little better...there will probably be a part two coming soon... We'll see, I guess...

"How can I even cast a shadow if you change the position of the sun?" - Renegade

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(no subject)

Nov. 8th, 2007 | 07:01 pm

Dear Everybody,

Fuck off.


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(no subject)

Nov. 2nd, 2007 | 03:34 pm

"Is there any point to you drawing all these bloody stupid things? Is it for college? For Uni? ...Well, get a life then."

Fuck off.

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