| Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget. |
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| All Good Things... |
[February 27, 2008 @ 11:59pm] |
I was going to say lots here...but I don't think I need to any more.
Well... here I am.
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[February 17, 2008 @ 3:17am] |
I'm going to move mountains.
I am and will be more than this.
I will realise everything I want in life.
And I'm going to do it no matter what's in my way.
I am Scott Adams.
I am going to change the fucking world.
Goodbye.
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[December 02, 2007 @ 11:15pm] |
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You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around
And say...
That it's too late to apologise
It's too late...
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[November 26, 2007 @ 6:17pm] |
Slip out the back before they know you were there
At the worst you'll see nobody cares
You don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
And I'm no hero,
You remember how I was,
You know
All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything
Was going end over end
I'm spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be
But I had to protect you from me
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I just bring you down
And I could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left wasn't fair
I didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero
But don't think I didn't care
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| You want peace of mind? Here's a piece of mine... |
[November 15, 2007 @ 3:56pm] |
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Hurt - Falls Apart |
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This isn't directed at anybody, nor is it for anybody's benefit but mine. I feel I've spent far too long holding back, leaving things out and I shouldn't... I need to get everything out; I can't keep it inside any longer. You don't want to read, then don't. If you do, then I warned you and I'm sorry. I... I need to find me again, and I can't do that until I clear away everything else.
My mind is racing, cycling through everything. But one thing doesn't tell the whole story, so I look back to the previous one, but that just leads to another and another and another...it's like some giant web that I can't get out of. I wanted to come here so... I just...
I want to live life. I really want to be just living life; experiencing things. I go home and my sister gets back from work and she's so happy, telling my family about her day, all the stuff that has happened... Everyone seems so proud of her for seeing what she wants and going for it. And she got it. She's got a good job; a job that she loves. I wish I could do that. But no matter what I do they just seem to put me down. I'm never doing enough work, anything I'm doing is pointless... I feel like such a burden on them. I just want them to be proud of me... I never thought I'd need that from them. I never thought it would matter to me, but it does. I feel like I'm wasting time here, I want to go and look for what I want. I'm tired of watching from afar. I don't like it any more. Japanese was a skill I wanted to learn. It's not a career choice I want to follow. I don't know what I want right now, but I'm not going to find it here. I need to go and look... I just want them to be proud of me...
I want to go and get a job. If I don't like it then I'll go and look for something else. I want to find something that's going to make me happy. Something that's going to make me feel as if I'm DOING something. If I want to, I'll learn Japanese, Philosophy...I learn anything I want in my free time, but I can't make that my only objective in life. I want to find something that makes me feel...makes me feel like I'm living life again. While I'm here... I don't know. I enjoy the course. I like that I'm learning the language, but I don't feel like I belong here. I don't feel like this is me right now...
I don't really know what I am any more.
I want to, and I'm going to, leave. I want to go an get a job and find what I want in life. Find something that makes me feel whole. I need it. I need it before I completely fall to pieces. It's taking so much to hold it all together... But what happens when I'm off the course? Do I leave my accommodation straight away? Do I have time? I already paid 'til January, I think. What happens? How much time do I have? Do I have to keep paying after I leave? I don't understand... I need to talk to the Uni. I will tomorrow...I'll find out then...I hope. I think if I get this sorted it will be a huge weight off my shoulders.
I feel so pathetic that I want their... I just hate that I want them to be proud of me. I've never needed it before, but these past few weeks, every "Why do you never have your plans set out?" and every "Stop doing that, it's stupid" they've cut really deeply... I don't know why. It never used to be like this. Before, it wouldn't bother me; I'd go as far as to say that they never did this before, and maybe that's true too. Perhaps, seeing how my sister has sorted her life out...perhaps now I'm the one in her shadow...
So I guess it's time that I moved the sun.
I was once told that if I didn't want to be in somebody's shadow, that I need not strive to step out of it, I meerly change the position of the sun. I think that is something I'm always going to live by... If I want to make myself seen, make myself noticed; then I need to change the rules. I need to do something new. Something people have to see. I think that's not only something to do with the whole Uni business, but my entire life. I need to apply it to everything...
I miss wrestling. The brief times I do it, I do really enjoy. I enjoy Jitsu, and most martial arts...but nothing really makes me feel happy like I do when I'm in the ring. I need to find what I lost and carry on pursuing it. I don't think I'm great. I don't even think I'm good. I think the best I will go to is to admit that I'm okay sometimes. That's as much as anyone will ever get out of me. I...I want to be something special. I want to be something different. Something people haven't seen before. I think I can do it, I just need to find it first... Hopefully once I'm back in Hull, I'll be able concentrate more on this.
Vicky...I'm torn betw-...I-...I really don't know what to say here. I wish it hadn't ended, and I regretted it ending the way it did. I wanted it to be something more but...maybe we just didn't...maybe we were just too different. Maybe we were just two different people on two different paths that happened to cross at a certain point. I don't know. I wish it... I don't want to hurt you any more yet that's all I seem to be doing. I don't want to. I don't want to hurt anybody but... I wanted to get everything out here, but I'm not sure I'll ever know how I feel. But right now I can't decide anything for definite. I don't know what I want. But I don't want to put you through this. I don't want to hurt you, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be with you. Just because I want to be with you, doesn't mean I think I should be with you, that it will work or that I'm going to do anything about it... I want to be with you, but I don't want you to have to be with me. It's not fair. Truth is, I WILL put you through this again. I will feel like this again eventually, I will take on more than I can handle and I will collapse again, and I'll drag you down with me again. I can't keep putting you through that. I don't even know if this makes any sense to you but... I don't think we really understand each other enough to really trust the other person. We don't understand why we are the way we are... I'm not saying anything in this. There's no big revelation here. This is just a small part of the thoughts going through my head, I'm trying to decipher them but I can't. I don't know what any of it means. I don't know what I want. I don't really know who *I* am. I think it's natural to always have that doubting voice inside your head, and you'll always have your voice telling the doubting one to shut up. But I don't know which voice is mine any more. Am I the one doubting everything or am I the voice telling the other one to shut up? And there are so many other sides with so many different opinions...I don't know which one is me. I'm lost in a sea of thoughts and I want so desperately to get out, but I don't know which way to swim.
The next one...really isn't a problem to me as such. I don't know. It...causes problems, I suppose, but it's not something I feel I'm willing to change... Basically, I have my ex living with my family and the only way that bothers me is when it comes to relationships. When I was with her she got kicked out of her house. She was...well, not treated very well at home, and she had no one else. I let her move in and stay there when I moved out. I let her stay there now that we've broken up and as much as anyone my hate it, there is no way I can make her leave. Right now, my family are the only family she has...and they're the only real family she's ever had. She feels...part of something, I guess, and I don't think she's ever felt accepted like that before. She seems comfortable there and everyone else seems happy to have her there. It's not about her being my ex, it's not about having any kind of history...it's about someone I know needing help. Someone vulnerable, someone that has nothing else in the world to cling on to... There's so much that I know that I can't talk about here, but my best judgement tells me that she's better here than out there. I feel like I've pulled her up out of so much darkness, there is no way I would ever throw someone back into that. I... I don't know. Seeing her with my family, she looks happy. She seems to really enjoy life and that something I don't think I saw in her before. She looks like she feels welcome and accepted, and I refuse to tear that away from her. I could never make someone unhappy; I could never tear everything away from someone so that they had nothing left. I'm not sure if everyone would do the same, but I hope that anyone that really truly understood me would understand why I have to do this. I feel like I'm making a difference in somebody's life. This isn't out of any gain for me, I gain nothing from this. But by doing this I feel that I'm making a person's life worthwhile. I'm actually helping somebody...and I could never tear that away from them.
I think this is something that I talk about a lot because it's something that I'm not sure people really understand. I think if any of my friends came to me and they had absolutely nowhere to go and were in a similar position to Anya...I'd do it for them too. I could never allow somebody to fall into a situation where so much bad stuff could happen. I could never leave someone out there on their own when they're so vulnerable. I have to help them. It's going to take a lot from that person to make me change my mind; but someone so undeserving of a life like that...I could never throw them into it. I don't think the world is fair. Karma may exist but I don't think the balance has to be at neutral, or even on an individual level. I think sometimes people have a bad life where they just keep hitting the wrong situations and find themselves in a bad place. I can't let... I could never tear somebody's life apart like that.
I'm not really sure what else to say. I'm tired of talking about all of this and I guess I do feel a little better...there will probably be a part two coming soon... We'll see, I guess...
"How can I even cast a shadow if you change the position of the sun?" - Renegade
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[November 08, 2007 @ 7:01pm] |
Dear Everybody,
Fuck off.
Thanks.
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[November 02, 2007 @ 3:34pm] |
"Is there any point to you drawing all these bloody stupid things? Is it for college? For Uni? ...Well, get a life then."
Fuck off.
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[October 31, 2007 @ 1:40pm] |
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FUCK OFF. Stop fucking lecturing me. I don't give a shit.
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| If this must be, then burn with me. Anything, just don't leave. |
[October 30, 2007 @ 8:20pm] |
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Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become |
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Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Honestly, I feel less awkward around her now. I'm thinking that's perhaps a good thing... But at the same time I feel like she's still affecting far too much in my life. I can't really go home because she's still there...and she's starting to affect more than just me going home. I'm more that happy to stay at my grandparents' when I'm back in Hull; if anything, I prefer it. But it's the fact that her presence in my life is starting to affect my relationship that it begins to bother me. I don't want to just kick someone out with nowhere and no one else to go to...but at the same time I don't want her to keep affecting things. It's killing me that I feel like I can't do anything to...I don't know. I really don't know. I hate all of this. I hate it all. I hate that I'm making people hurt. I hate myself. I really do. I hate the way I am and the fact that I really don't know what I can do about it.
At the heart of things, I feel like I'm useless. I try to help, I really do. I don't think everyone needs help, but when someone has a problem that is obviousl-....
AND I WISH THEY WOULD STOP TRYING TO FUCKING TALK TO ME WHEN I OBVIOUSLY DO NOT CARE AND CAN'T FUCKING HEAR THEM.
...-obviously affecting them. I just want people to be happy. I don't know why, that's just the way I am. Sometimes I feel like people hate me for it, but there's nothing I can do about it. I know it's fucking up my own life, I just don't know what to do.
I feel like my family expect me to become so much more than I want from life. I feel like they expect me to achieve all of this and that they're going to hate me if I don't. They don't say it, but I feel it. I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want...I don't want anything. I don't want to be where I am now. I don't want to have to do all of this. I want to just live life, do things that I like doing. I-...
I hate this.
I really do.
I don't know what to do. I wish I did. I wish I knew how to fix everything, but I don't. I hate that I'm so fucking stupid that I can't live my own life. I hate that I can't see a clear path any more. I hate that I flatout refuse to let anyone help me, and I hate that I don't know where I'm going...
I want to wrestle. I want to do martial arts. I want to travel. I want to write a book. I want to write a comic book. That's everything I want from life. Am I overcomplicating things by going to University? Can I achieve all of that WITHOUT Uni? I don't want to quit again. I love learning languages. But maybe I'm best doing it on my own terms. I don't give a shit about completing tasks and learning History and picking other modules from some other course I really can't be arsed with. I'd rather the language come to me on it's own. I'd rather discover the history, the interesting parts that I like to know. I want to live my life by my rules. I believe in that so strongly, but when I'm being told how to do everything...I feel too pressured. I hate being pressured to do anything.
I hate the fact that I have to...I don't know, "tap in" to everything inside me when I draw. And I hate that it sometimes gets out of control and makes me feel this way. It's like sometimes I get too much emotion all at once and I start getting all arsey, I push everyone away and I piss a lot of people off. I don't mean to, but I suddenly start feeling invaded. Everyone and everything pisses me off. I feel like they're all trying to make me worse and they're just... I dunno.
I want to be able to cope with things on my own. I'm aware that I need to talk to people. But recently everything in my head just feels so fragmented. I don't know what path to take any more, or how to get onto that path. I don't know who I am or how to...to...
I feel like everything is slipping away from me. Everything I want is slipping away. I can't talk to anyone any more. I don't know what to tell them or how to explain myself. I don't know how to tell people why I am the way I am, and in most cases I don't know myself.
I wish this was easier. I wish I wasn't so much of a fucking loser that I didn't have to...
I don't know.
I just wish I knew what to do. I just wish I could see again...
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[October 29, 2007 @ 9:40pm] |
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Haha. u_u
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| Disappear. |
[October 15, 2007 @ 10:02am] |
I think that it sometimes takes a lot simply to just stand strong. To stand there while the whole world watches your every move can be a very daunting task. I never really used to feel any pressure with anything I did... Nothing at all. I was so laid back and everything just seemed to fall into place for me.
But something changed. Something changed and now I can't go back. I want to. I really want to go back with all my heart but...I can't-. I can't stop any of this no matter how hard I try.
I think, at the heart of things, I'm a pretty self-destructive person. I seem to somehow push people away or adversely affect anyone around me, and I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to hurt anybody. That's the last thing I want. I just don't understand how to change.
I wish I knew what to do. I don't think that any of this is really all that bad, I suppose. People deal with much, much worse on a daily basis. In comparison, I'm not really going through anything major...but yet, I still sometimes wish that I could just...
Disappear.
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| With This Knife |
[October 14, 2007 @ 4:44pm] |
The hate.
And the fear.
The nightmares that wake...
Me up in tears.
The nightmares and the
Hate.
And the fear.
The nightmares that wake...
Me up in tears.
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| Well...Here I Am... |
[October 08, 2007 @ 7:16pm] |
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"So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind, and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind."
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[October 08, 2007 @ 4:26am] |
When I think of her, I feel as if someone has torn out my insides...
...yet I still don't know what to do. I know what I SHOULD do...I just don't know what I CAN do.
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[October 08, 2007 @ 12:03am] |
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30 Seconds To Mars - From Yesterday |
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It's like knowing a wall inch by inch; every single flaw, bump, crevice of that wall logged in your mind. You know it perfectly. But then, when you go to take a closer look, you see a small mark. You go to remove the mark and discover what's underneath; the single last part of the wall that you never truly saw. But as you go to wipe away the mark the wall cumbles into pieces and all that you ever knew lies in a mess at your feet; in it's place lies a cavern. Full of a darkness that you could never fully explore...a darkness that you never want to explore because the moment it grips you, you know it will never let you go.
I never saw this coming. Last time I suspected for a while, I saw things wrong and it was easy to cut the ties. But this time I turned and it hit me like a...well, like a big yellow school bus. This time I didn't see it coming, I failed in everything I've ever taught myself. Always be aware... But this one came so fast and so hard that I had no time to prepare; and I'm going to suffer for it. Right now, part of me feels so beaten down; so down and out that it doesn't feel as if it will ever be the same again. Part of me wants to just give up right now, lay in the gutter and die.
But yet there's still that shining light. There's still that power that forces me to help others...and I know that this time it's going to help me. What was once a help to others is now going to help me, I know it is. I know that it will help me back to my feet... I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna come right back at you just a little smarter, licking my wounds, not wanting to get my ass beat like I did the last time.
The part of me the drives me now is a part of me that you will never get your hands on. A part that you will never touch. I used to think that I was somehow making a difference; that I was making your life brighter, but I now realise that mine was only getting darker.
Because sometimes...
...because sometimes, you just have to keep on fighting. This world ain't waiting for anyone; this train don't stop for no one, so if you get knocked off then you get yourself right back on it, or you might just miss it.
My Life. My Rules.
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[October 07, 2007 @ 11:14pm] |
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not again... please, don't let this have happened again... Oh God...
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| Hero Complex (Wikipedia) |
[October 04, 2007 @ 3:48pm] |
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Our Lady Peace - Not Enough |
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The Hero Complex is a compulsion to help others and make the world right. Although not officially considered a disorder or disease, there is an increasing number of people who 'suffer' from it. Many fictitious heroes and main characters seem to have this as well, but note that there is a difference between helping others out of choice and feeling compelled to. It may also be associated with Zoological Altruism- Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of close relatives, thus making it more likely to be passed on.
Traits
Those who have a "Hero Complex" tend to feel that the current life they live is insufficient. For most, the need will ebb and flow. There will be days where they will ask questions like why they have had the role thrust upon them, if what they're doing is really going to make a difference, and sometimes even why they care in the first place.
Many believe that they could do more if they had the means to, whether it is in terms of money, power, or something else held in prestige. Most wait quietly believing that someday they will find these means, although some go out to "find" them on their own. They also often ask the question 'is this really enough?' or 'am I doing the right thing?' Usually such questions have a demoralizing effect, but many who have the Hero Complex will be motivated to find these answers. They are very loyal and dependable, and when given a challenge will almost always find a way to complete it...if they see it as a useful challenge. These traits make them great leaders and friends, for their extensive thought process makes them great at giving advice and opinions in addition to lending their abilities and talents when they can. However, the universal respect societies have for such people leads many to ignore the negative implications. Their high standards might not only carry the risk of overextending themselves and causing depression and withdrawal, they might lead the individual to become destructive (see "Villain Complex".)
In fulfilling these desires, they will take on a more benevolent behavior, and 'unlock' the true meanings of themselves. This is the true need of those who have a Hero Complex. Excellent examples of this are David Dunn of Unbreakable, Harry Potter, Goku from Dragon Ball Z, and Batman.
Causes
While not everyone who has been disappointed at some point in their lives will develop a hero complex, almost everyone with one has been in some way or another. One cause may be trying to atone for a sense of worthlessness. This sense may be caused by underlying stress from the inability to complete certain everyday tasks. Alternatively, because of the lack of modern-day heroes, the sufferer may be trying to compensate for a loss of 'icons' in modern societies, and they look inward instead of outward for their own gratification. They may feel guilt for not helping others in the past, or they may have felt pain at a previous point in their lives and are motivated by fear of seeing that pain inflicted on others.
Coping
Although there is no "treatment", many look for ways to find release from their troubled worlds instead of having to confront it. Often, a release can be found in video games, because of their allowance for one to enact heroic roles, or in personifications of heroes (i.e. Movies and comics or role-playing). The effects are not permanent, but can lead to an addiction to false realities. Perhaps the best thing for "victims" to do is accept there are some things we cannot change and others just need time. At other times, the best thing to do is to try to make a change, as long as the goal is within reach. Remember, there is a difference between wanting to help others and feeling compelled to.
Compulsion to help others, wrestling - playing a different person, video games, comics, detrimental to the individual... Explains a lot. Maybe I really do have it...
Hmm.
"There's nothing left to prove, there's nothing I won't do, nothing like the pain I feel for you..."
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| Heaven's gates won't open up for me... |
[October 02, 2007 @ 5:27pm] |
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Nickleback - Savin' Me |
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I always try so hard to save everybody else. I always try my hardest to help everybody else, yet I just can't seem to admit that this time, just this once...I might need someone to help me.
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'...
...ah well. Never mind, eh?
No Compromise. No Regrets.
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| ...I give the final blow. |
[October 01, 2007 @ 11:37pm] |
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All American Rejects - It Ends Tonight |
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I've never really put myself first. I've always tried to put everyone else first. I've always tried to do what's best for everyone else. But when it comes to the direction of my life, I have to push on. I have to keep on going, no matter what.
This is right for me. Manchester, I mean. It all feels right. It all feels so familiar, and for me that suggests that I'm on the right path. I can't let anything or anyone make me stop this. I need to stick with this. I need to live my life...
I tried to help. I helped every way I could. But it never seemed enough. I gave up everything I had. The only thing I kept for myself was my pursuit of the life that I've always wanted, yet it seems that I'm asked to give that up too. But I can't. No matter what, I can't. I've given up too much already. I've given almost everything I have. And it's certainly taken it's toll on me. It's affected me more than anything has before. I've given so much for nothing in return. I've given it all to help someone. I gave it all to help make someone's life just that little bit better. Someone who had nothing in this world... But now it comes down to a choice between continuing to give and giving up my life, or continuing with my life and taking it all away from her.
Does that make me selfish? Is there something inherently wrong in putting my life first? I know that I've made an impression, but it hardly seems enough. I just wish there was more I could do.
In all honesty, I've never found anything in my life so hard as I have this. This has been my greatest challenge. I tried everything I could do to make things right...but you can't change what has already happened. You can't change a person's past. And if you can't change the past, does it necessarily follow that you can't change the person either? I tried to change her, but for once I don't think itwas wrong. I was changing her for the better. Not for me but for her. I was trying to show her a better side of life. But I feel now that it's too much for me.
I feel like I'm abandoning her. Just casting her out when she still really needs someone. I feel so selfish. So selfish because I refuse to give up my life. But I know that if I did this, it would be something I'd regret for the rest of my life. I know that in doing this I wouldn't be able to be happy with my life, and I don't want to live a life of regret. I want to accomplish all that I can. But is it inherently bad that I'm doing this all for me, neglecting the feelings of others?
I wish there was another way, I really do. But this is something I have to do... I've given everything else up, but I can't give this up too.
Not this time.
My Life. My Rules.
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| If It All Ended Tomorrow... |
[October 01, 2007 @ 8:04pm] |
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Brand New - Seventy Times Seven |
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I could so easily make my life so much easier right now. I could make myself so much happier...yet I won't let myself do it. Maybe I think I don't deserve to be happy, like some eternal quest for salvation. Maybe I just feel like I need to go through all of this before I can truly be the person I'm supposed to be.
I know this is my fault. I shouldn't be so eager to try and help. 9 times out of 10, in the end I only make everything worse. It could all be so easy. But I feel like I have to stick with this. This is my mess and I have to sort it all out right?
...right?
"Live how I wanna live, buy what I wanna buy, do what I wanna do, try what I wanna try. Fear nothing. Take chances. Not afraid to fail; always making advances. So when I roll on the Grim Reaper Highway...no regrets, bitch. I did it MY way."
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